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TGirls Letters - TGirl Feedback to Us

June, 2010

By- tsgirlfriend4me@gmail.com

Our TGirls Letters section is devoted to feedback we receive. The most recent letters appear at the top.

Subject: (no subject)
Date: 6/27/2010 9:55:04 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: (Deleted)
To: tsgirlfriend4me@gmail.com


My boyfriend came across your website today and showed it to me. While you make some pretty valid points in your articles (and I applaud you for creating such a safe and positive online resource for all transgender people and admirers), I do have to say, there are some statements you write, which concern me, particularly within the "sex article."

So, in an ostentatious endeavor of self-righteousness and political correctness, I thought I'd write a response to certain sections, within the article, that I found to be disagreeable, and explain (as a transwoman) why I am obliged to do so. So, here we go.

First thing's first: "Transgender" is an umbrella term that covers an assortment of different people with different backgrounds, experiences and objectives. For example, some transpeople know, from a very early age, that they should have been born female instead of male (or vice-versa); some end up finding out much later in life. Some transfolk even find they are somewhere in the middle of what the world conventionally knows to be "male" and "female."

As a result of such an early self-realization, some transwomen (like myself) and transmen may start their transition at a very early age; so young, in fact, that they may never really grow up to be socially or legally recognized as "men" or "women" (I'm talking about 14- to 19-year-olds here); some transwomen, however, live in self-denial for most of their young lives. They put on a show, right up to the point where they can't take it anymore, they attain some sort of satori-like release and begin their transition long into their 30s, 40s and even 50s.

The point I'm trying to make is that everyone's experience is unique (I, for example, did not have to experience puberty twice in one lifetime. I started transitioning at age15 and am now 25, because I was able to transition so early and because, at the same time, my body was still developing, I experienced the world pretty much the same way any other young "genetic girl" would have. Every woman (whether genetic or trans) has different expectations, desires and needs in life (to pigeon-hole women into a simple equation is not only lazy, but irresponsible).

Furthermore, personal goals and self-gratifications may vary from transwoman to transwoman. For some transwomen (and, yes, even some "genetic women") it's all about " the image," looking as "feminine" and acting as "feminine" (which can vary from continent to continent) as possible (this, in turn, may not even be so much a form of self-gratification as a way of announcing to the world that "this is the gender I associate with the most.") Whereas for others, the issue of appearance is minor, even downright irrelevant. Some transwomen may even actually WANT you to play with their penis (if they're pre-op or non-op, that is); regardless of whether she wants her penis played with. It doesn't make her any more or less of a woman. The same goes for topping.

In the article, "Having Sex with a Transsexual Woman," you mention there are "a lot of cross-dressers out there," as opposed to bonafide (or, what you see as bonafide) transsexuals; I find this really amusing, because it reminds me of men's historical tendency to instruct women on how to "behave like women." I honestly don't think it is in a man's place to dictate what a woman is or isn't, what she should like or not like, just as it isn't in a woman's place to dictate what a man should or should not do.

You, personally, may have your tastes and opinions and know, full well, what you like to see in a woman (believe me, we have ours on what we like to see in a man), but, by no means, are your tastes better or worse than the next man. Like you said in your own article, "we like what we like," but, that should not be used as a foundation in deciding, on a mass scale, who is "a real woman or transwoman" and who is just a cross-dresser. Some transwomen refuse to take hormones and are inclined to wear men's clothing during the day, so what? "Genetic women" wear ambiguous clothes all the time, does that make THEM any less "woman"?

In your other articles, you suggest transwomen should be mentored by "genetic women" on how to be women. I strongly believe that if someone is willing to face the horrors of physically and mentally transitioning (with hormones), while simultaneously meeting the disapproval and disdain of most family members and society in general, it is not because they desire to be women, it's because the "woman" is already there. Think about what Dr. Jekyll says, in regards to Mr. Hyde; Mr. Hyde isn't some detached creation or perverse version of Dr. Jekyll, he IS Dr. Jekyll, the real man inside the proverbial exoskeleton that is Jekyll; he is the doctor's id. In using this metaphor to describe transwomen, I find that, for most gals, the woman is already there and always has been; it's only a matter of getting the rest of the world to see it and recognize it (not such an easy task, since most people in the world are quite visual).

Topping the man: For the guy looking to be "topped," expect to have to pay an escort for that service. That is mostly what they specialize in. If paying for a romp in bed isn't your style, it is very doubtful you will find it anywhere else in the TS community. Cross-dressers, however, are a different matter. These are not women, they are men enjoying a dress-up fetishistic fantasy. You may find what you want with one of them.

While this may be true (and I am definitely one who doesn't find the idea of topping a man necessarily appetizing), it is not the status-quo. There are plenty of transwomen out there who don't fit YOUR description of the "cross-dresser" who enjoy anally penetrating their male partners and who (mind you) are NOT escorts. You've presented a personal opinion, based on personal experience, that may not be necessarily true for all. Men who read this and have no experience with transsexuals will go out into the world thinking that only an escort is capable of fulfilling that sexual need and, thus, escalating and promoting the problem of high percentages of sex workers within the trans community. Perhaps, if they do meet a pre-op/non-op, non-escort transwoman, who DOES like to top, they may refer back to your article and decide that she can't be a "real transsexual," but, instead, is "just a man in a dress." Writing something like this gives you a certain type of social responsibility and you're creating expectations for men that are just not so or are way too personal and complicated to be solved within the paragraph of a single article.

If this is her first time making love as a woman, she's probably terrified. If she's pre-op, she's worried that you might want to play with that yucky male appendage that she hasn't yet converted into a vagina. She may not want you to touch it at all. If she responds with an erection, she may be very embarrassed, and also very conflicted. How many women want to respond like a male? Not many. If she's like most pre-ops, she would prefer that you pretend it doesn't exist.

I consider myself 100% female, regardless of what my birth sex is. Gender and gender roles are assigned to you by people, according to your birth sex, but birth sex and gender are not necessarily the same thing.

Remember when you were a kid and your dad said that you had to prove yourself a man, that just because you were born with a penis it didn't automatically make you one? Perhaps, you had a bar mitzvah or went hunting or went through some kind of verbal or physical rite used to test your strength of character. Bottom line was, a penis didn't make you a man, at least not a "real man"; you had to prove your gender.

So, you see, gender is something completely man-made, socially dependant, psychologically instilled and much more complex than a simple penis or a vagina. In turn, a vagina does not make you a woman either, at least not in the "gender" sense of the word. When you are born, you don't come with a list of things your sex should and should not do; that is given to you by the people that raise you and varies from region to region, whether you were born in a suburb, in New Jersey or in a village in Somalia. Birth sex and gender may be connected, but, just like sexual orientation, one does not affect the other.

So, who's to say what a woman should or should not like to do? Some "genetic women" like to wear strap-ons and penetrate men anally, does that make them any less of a woman? Although I like to have my penis acknowledged during sex, I'm still 100% woman, because, that is the gender I identify with and because having a penis has nothing to do with being a "dude" or a "chick."

I believe the majority of men interested in TS's are bi to some degree. Heterosexual transwomen generally want what GG's want: A straight man, a guy who appreciates them for who they are, not for their genitals. TS's typically don't want to be involved with bi guys.

There is definitely some truth to this, but, I believe ALL people are somewhat bisexual, at least, according to the Kinsey scale. Some men may be more open and honest about it, others may be so frightened and horrified by the idea that they learn to repress it at a very young age (with the help of grown-ups, of course). Women have a much easier time exploring their bisexuality, since, according to Freud, they've already been symbolically castrated, so, there is no fear of domination or control (although, that's relative, too); in other words, water and water won't harm each other, but, with fire and fire, on the other hand, there is always that fear that one will inevitably consume the other.

I'm speaking to the ladies here: The TS who keeps her transsexuality secret until significantly into a new relationship with a strictly heterosexual man is at high risk of being verbally abused and immediately dumped when that heterosexual man discovers the truth. She is also at high risk of physical assault.

While this is true to an extent, again, you're generalizing. If you speak with most of the men that like transwomen, they will tell you that they consider themselves to be "heterosexual," that they are not -- at all -- attracted to men or masculinity.

I'd like to think that bisexuality means sexual desire for both masculinity and femininity; if men are not attracted to masculinity, then they are not bisexual and most men who are attracted to transwomen are not attracted to masculinity.

Are these guys simply in denial? It's possible, but, if so, then aren't those heterosexual men who are repulsed my transwomen also in denial?

Either way, I don't believe a man who is attracted to the idea of a penis on a woman is bisexual. The only thing I could agree on is that transgender love might quite possibly be a new form of sexuality; not quite homosexual, not quite heterosexual, but, something altogether different. I've heard of cases where some men are even attracted to "genetic women" with over-enlarged clitorises.

My point is, your own personal feelings of being attracted to both men and women are just that: your own feelings. The proof is in the pudding; my best friend is a transwoman who has been dating and living with a self-identified heterosexual man for years and both respective parties are very happy together.

If she's pre-op or non-op and this is your first time playing around with her, it's best to not give any attention to her penis. Why? Because you don't know how she will react.

No offense, but, what sort of legitimate credentials do you have to give that sort of sexual advice? I would advise you to rethink and rephrase this, emphasizing the importance of communication in ANY kind of relationship. If a transwoman gets that snippy, because a guy rubs her penis, maybe she should have talked with him longer, before sex. Maybe the transwoman herself is not ready to date and will not be ready for a while; at least not until she's learned to understand and love herself more or, perhaps even, wait until she's had her SRS and is more comfortable with the idea of sex.

Are you a straight man having your first sexual encounter with a pre-op TS? She probably expects that you won't show any interest at all in that dick.

If you've never sucked a dick before, you might want to ask her to give you feedback on how you're doing. And if you're suddenly feeling nauseated for engaging in what your family and all your friends would label a very homosexual act, for God's sake find the bathroom in a big hurry and kneel before the porcelain throne.

I'm not sure what you're trying to prove here with this analogy (and it also seems like you're contradicting yourself about only bisexual men being attracted to transwomen), but, again, as stated above, communication is key. Hopefully, two people will do a great deal of talking and discussing before doing ANYTHING sexual; this will altogether avoid any hurling or general awkwardness.

I strongly believe that most misunderstandings in the bedroom occur when two people jump right into bed, after only knowing each other for a few days. You wouldn't jump right into bed with a respectable "genetic girl" and you certainly shouldn't do it with a transwoman, especially if it's your first-time or hers. People need to get to know each other for at least a month before any real hanky-panky can begin and, believe me, it will be far more enjoyable in the end if they do. Sorry guys (and gals), you'll just have to get it together and control those animalistic impulses. If you are so horny that you feel you're about to explode, the Internet is rife with an array of pornographic images and movies to satiate anyone's appetite. Grab a bottle of lube, sit in front of the screen and enjoy!

The vagina is surgically fashioned out of the penis. If you are one of those guys who finds the idea of touching a dick with your mouth completely revolting but you love to eat pussy, there will come a moment when it dawns upon you as to where the skin to make a vagina came from. If you have a problem with that, it would be a good idea to avoid going down on her.

Male and female genital organs have more in common than they don't (I should know, I'm a nursing student. Both have hormone-producing, orchind-like glands, both have prostates, canals, ventricles, capillaries, etc.; if you look at a drawing of the inside of a female's uterus, you'll notice that it's very similar to the outline of a male's penis, that's because, a penis is essentially a vagina, inside-out, and vice-versa, which is really how vaginoplasty works. If you are disgusted with the idea of a vagina having been a penis once, maybe it's time to rethink sex with a transwoman or, at least, wait until you've stopped being a baby and grown up.

Other than that, I found your article to be most informative and entertaining. I especially liked the suggestion of snogging inside the warehouse department. I have already asked my boyfriend to try it on me sometime, to which he happily agreed.

I don't write this email with the intention of attacking you or as negative criticism, but as a genuine need to give you the advice and opinion of a transwoman herself, in hopes that you may better yourself, as an admirer and site editor.

Respectfully yours,

--Eva Ovalle.

Subject: Help me please.
Date: 6/23/2010 12:49:11 A.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: Deleted
To: tsgirlfriend4me@gmail.com


I am a biological female who recently found hordes of transsexual prostitutes phone numbers on my partner's cell phone. He swears on a stack that he did nothing and only called the numbers, but that makes no sense to me at all. When I downloaded his cell phone records, it showed he has been calling these numbers for at least two years and probably longer although I don't know when it started because cell records only go back two years.

I found other numbers, too…Asian massage parlors and a few bio-female hookers as well. I tried contacting a few of the tranny hookers to see if they would tell me what he was up to but they all ignored me. Whenever I approach the topic with my BF, he goes ballistic and insists that he did nothing wrong and I am the bad guy for "spying" on him. Keep in mind he left his phone home accidentally leaving me to answer one of his hookers calling him, so I was hardly spying, this just dropped in my lap.

What's really bothering me more than anything is that I don't know what I am dealing with. If he was seeing regular women, I could deal with it even though it makes me mad, but this is a whole other thing I never thought I would have to face. Now I am wondering if he's gay and I have been nothing more than his beard all these years. And if he's not gay, is he a sex addict? Does he not love me? Is he a pervert? I'm twisting in the wind wondering what to do and whether I should leave him.

Almost every day for the past two years or longer, he has called numerous hookers he finds on backpage.com and craigslist; the calls are usually about a minute or two then the person calls him back. Sometimes they are texting back and forth for as much as 20 minutes even though the hooker ads usually say they don't accept texts. He disappears for large stretches of time during which he claims he was just driving around of looking for some obscure bottle of wine at some liquor store in the city, and makes me feel guilty for badgering him about his absence when he was doing something "for me."

I asked him what he got out of simply calling a transsexual hooker and he couldn't give me an explanation that made sense, got mad and screamed at me in an abusive way. I found a text message on his phone from a tranny named Sabrina. He texted her asking if she was ready and if she could cum on him. She texted back yes and he texted back asking if $100 was enough. I confronted him, he denied everything, said transsexuals were "freaks" and that he could never do anything with them. Well if that's true WTF is he texting that shit for? I don't get it.

After reading your site, my heart skipped a beat when I saw that list of tranny date supplies [Editor's note: Huh?]. You see, my bf always has large bottles of mouthwash in his car which he claims are for dental problems. He also always has tubes of K-Y Jelly that he claims he uses for his chapped lips. And I once found latex condoms in his car with several missing from the pack. He said they were for me but I am allergic to latex and he knows this.

Please help me, what is going on here? Am I being conned? Is there any possibility he really did just make calls and didn't so anything or am I the world's biggest fool? Is he having a relationship with these people or just having some weird sex thing? Some of the cell calls trace to restaurants in Astoria, a place I have never been to. Does that mean he's taking them out on dates? That would make me really mad because for years he hasn't taken me anywhere or bought me anything due to his alleged financial problems.

Is there any way I can find out what's really going on? The position I am in is so unfair. There is no worse feeling in the world than being conned by a dishonest man. Can you please advise me? Cell calls are too easy for him to explain away, I would like to get concrete proof he can't back out of so he is forced to tell me the truth. What do I look for?



Subject: Article on TS Girlfriend Making Love to a TS Female.
Date: 6/22/2010 6:41:47 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: Deleted
To: tsgirlfriend4me@gmail.com


I was just reading your article on lovemaking with a transsexual female. I find your information enlightening and educational for the masses. With this being said, would it be possible for you to expand on that topic a bit further and go into a collective explanation of your thoughts and knowledge if any, on the relations of a Post-Op and GG lovemaking?

There always seems to be information given for the benefit of the "man," but we need something about the GGs and post-ops that are in relationships as either portraying the outwardly "gay lesbian" couple or the other being the "actual hetero" couple with the post-op still a "male" role, just with a sex change and gorgeous to boot. Just wondering what your thoughts were on this end of the subject.


Subject: Well written.
Date: 6/20/2010 4:40:49 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: Deleted
To: tsgirlfriend4me@gmail.com

That was very well written. Thank you for the education!

--Richard P.

Subject: Possible TS girlfriend.
Date: 6/19/2010 1:40:39 P.M. Pacific Daylight Time
From: Deleted
To: tsgirlfriend4me@gmail.com

To whom it may concern:

I was dating a woman for about four months and she just broke up with me somewhat unexpectedly. I have a feeling she is a transwoman and was trying to tell me, and having a hard time doing so, for fear of rejection, or maybe it's a trust issue, who knows? I care about her as a person, and as a soul, and want to tell her it doesn't make a difference to me.

I also want to help her tell me, if it's the case, but I'm terribly afraid of offending her if she was physically born female. She has withdrawn herself socially, and I want to reach out in some way, but don't know how.

The reasons I think she might be a transwoman are several. She told me she was confused and thought for a while that she might be a boy when she was younger. She has had a few surgeries, including breast augmentation, and has done a lot of therapy. She likes gender roles, hangs out mostly with the gay/trans community, is quite uncomfortable showing her vagina to me, but comfortable with sex, and doesn't seem very concerned about birth control. These are just a few things of many that made me think about this.

How can I make it clear to her that I've thought about everything that it means, and it doesn't change how I feel about her at all, without really asking her? It would be very hurtful should she have been born physically female.

Thank you very much for your time and thoughts!


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